With Thanksgivukkah almost upon us we at the Gazelle would like to offer explanation and guidance:
Usually, Thanksgivukkah is not a word. If that’s news to you, well that’s just silly and you should educate yourself. Read on and share in a learning experience. Typically, Hanukkah and Thanksgiving have little to do with each other. One means a day off from school, or work, or whatever, and a chance to stuff yourself with pie. The other means no day off, and a lot of goyim asking you about the real Meaning of Hanukkah (which Jon Stewart’s “Can I Interest You In Hanukkah?” pretty well sums up).
BUT: this Thanksgiving an amazing crossover event is set to occur. And here’s how you can deal with the mishegas:
If you’re a traditional Jew, that is, the sarcastic b.s.er we know you are, tell goyim Thanksgivukkah is its own holiday that occured once before. Have fun with it, tell them, long long ago, a turkey did unspeakable things to a menorah. Thus, Thanksgivukkah was born. Or for a more believable twist, tell those that think Hanukkah=Jewish Christmas that it’s ten days long this year, because of special lunar cycles. Tell them you will need time off from work. They will be inclined to accept, because this is a special time for gentiles. They are extra super happy. Christ was born! So run with it. Tell them that for your religion you will need to be gifted large quantities of chocolate.
It’s not all fun and dreidel though, Thanksgivukkah bears with it many challenges. For example, throughout December many people will wish you Happy Hanukkah even though Hanukkah will have been long over. You will have to see your family twice in closer proximity as Thanksgiving and Hanukkah overlapping will probably not cover the separate holiday visits that would have occurred.
You will still not have a Christmas tree.
Alternatively you can take the optimist’s route. You could celebrate keeping in mind the spirit of thanks, presents, gluttonous amounts of unhealthy foods (fried or otherwise), dreidel spinning, and commercialized versions of both holidays. Celebrate with an unsuppressed zeal of Jewish Christmas coinciding with the most delicious non-genocidal feast day. This is a magical time when dreidels are spun to claim a prize of chocolate yams, cornucopias are filled with doughnuts, and when Turkeys are stuffed with latkes.
Eat and drink your fill, then light up the night with all the menorahs you can find and open those presents to the sounds of family fighting over who gets to bring home which leftovers.
Merry Thansgivukkah everyone. Stay furious.