Dear Fashion Industry,

It’s time we opened discourse on a rather seedy subject in your world: prop clothing. Like the prop food adorning model furniture, prop clothing creates an illusion of actual clothing. The prop jacket may look as though it is completing your ensemble, but, unlike real outerwear, it offers no warmth.

Prop clothing comes in many forms- the super cute studded pleather “jacket” that’s “perfect for fall” but cannot keep one warm within the acceptable temperature range of fall in your region is a failure as clothing. It is a collection of cloth merely pretending to be a jacket and it may look like a jacket to all appraising eyes hence pulling off a “look”- but that is all and thus it is a prop.

To be clear prop clothes are not the same as useless clothes. To stay with jackets for a moment longer: a crop jacket serves no purpose other than to be part of some ridiculous “fashionable” “look”. Why else would you wear something that warms your upper body but leaves your midriff bare? While it’s quite stupid, there’s no denying that the name crop jacket tells you everything. I want to be very clear that I am not unreasonable so I am not against stupid clothing. Crop jackets, or shorts that are too short to successfully cover your lower regions ARE stupid clothing. BUT they live up to their name and stated purpose- namely being short- so I really can’t complain.

Stupid clothing is also not quite the same as bad clothing. For example, outerwear that can’t get wet or really fare well under any kind of weather without being at least visually ruined isn’t a great investment. But, assuming under the right conditions it does at least one thing (keep you warm or dry or windbroken) even if it should be immediately ruined upon a sudden change in circumstances still counts as real clothing vs the unreality of the prop clothing.

I’m not crazy, I’m just thoughtful and trying to help you all out here.

Now that we’re clear on what prop clothes are I want to point out that these insidious bits of fakery are everywhere. Hidden amongst the high end shops to the cheap realms of fast fashion you no longer get what you pay for.

You may buy $200 jeans at Bloomingdales or $5 ones that look the same on Forever21’s clearance rack, but neither will have pockets big enough to hold your damn phone. Or they may not have pockets at all– just a line suggesting a pocket. When you go around making formerly useful things merely decorative we start to have a problem. Big giant #firstworldproblems. And nobody wants that.

While suggesting the idea of a pocket where there is none could be considered a high form of modern art (perhaps they should be embroidered with the words “this is not a pocket”) it cannot be considered an actual pocket. Because those hold things. And we need pockets, real ones, for putting things in especially when our bags (the more they cost the less those prim bastards hold) fall short.

All I want is for clothing sold at real clothing stores to be real clothing. Else they should be sold at fake clothing stores also known as costume shops. When a scarf only makes people believe you are warming your neck when in actuality you are wearing a stylish neck wrapping then it is no different from a cape that makes people believe you are dressed like a vampire.

Join me in saying that bows that tie nothing, zippers that open to nowhere, and buttons that simply exist should be stricken from the sartorial record.

I guess in the end, what I’m really trying to say, is that I prefer utilitarian clothing.

A single person with much disposable income