Literary as hell.

Tag: rant

“The Rocky Road of Moving Pens,” by Janet Buck

The Rocky Road of Moving Pens

by Janet Buck

I almost die, lose my pen, disappear, come back to life a little bit. Somehow, perhaps by the grace of persistent boredom and a two-minute glance at reality shows, I find that precious stick among tsunami-sized piles of dog hair and shredded Kleenex under the bed, and voilà, the writing world has changed its clothes. It’s been more than five years since I’ve written or published much at all, so I’m hungry for that feeling of putting together a poem without losing a piece of the puzzle to the puppy teeth of our new Yorkie. The Ars Poetica floating on the internet was always a pretty dicey glass, half-empty, half-full, but I was under the comfortable delusion I could hold the cup without it slipping from my hands.

 

The water is now on the floor, our puppy’s licking up the mess, and I am left in dizzyland. The pastures I’m familiar with have grown new grass and added weeds, thistled ones. Poetry is a slinky woman wearing a thong; editors want short and terse, nothing over 30 lines. A complete sentence in a poem is considered excess grit. The bulk of guidelines threaten me with: “Don’t do that, do this instead, we like this, we don’t like that, we hate the part of reading fifty pounds of subs—and e-mails are a presence that will get you shot, or hanging upside down in the town square, with people throwing rocks at you. We don’t pay you; you pay us. But please submit; we want your work.” I fall for it like a three-scoop ice cream cone in my favorite flavor.

 

Fairly early on in the game, I was smart enough to realize that getting paid to expose my soul just wasn’t a “happening” enterprise, rather like setting up a lemonade stand at the North Pole and expecting people to fork out a buck for more damned ice. I’m the first to admit I fully applaud the invention of submission fees because journals without fiscal support go down in flames, and I feel sad when I read giant messages on my screen that say, “We’ve drowned and no one came to rescue us.” The fact is that we’re all together standing in the breadline out in the cold.

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One Ridiculously Small Detail That Made Me Furious in Emma Robert’s new film Ashby

Ashby, a new comedy about a young boy who befriends an ex-CIA assassin, is not exactly a land mine of diversity. Not a single line was spoken by a person of color, and neither of the film’s female characters, played by Sarah Silverman and Emma Roberts, are given anything to do. Eloise (Roberts) has a mysterious MRI machine in her basement and even though she is really much more interesting than the male lead, played by Nat Wolff, she gets almost no screen time.

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However, one thing bugged me even more than this. Emma Roberts, what are you doing with your glasses? Her character has thick frames and brown hair, as befits a young nerd. But the actress seems lost on what to do with them. She wears them like an accessory. In one scene she has her glasses off, and puts them on to read a computer. Why does she do this? Is her character nearsighted? And if so why does she wear them to walk around? She’s supposed to be high school aged. Does she have bifocals?

I’m imagining a new final scene. Roberts goes to an optometrist. “But doctor, I’m losing all my near sight and my long-distance vision. I thought this was an ailment of the middle age?”

“No Emma, this is actually quite common in women of your age.”

Roberts hisses. “You promised me that the blood of orphans you gave me would keep me young. I want to keep playing high school students for another 10, 20 years.”

“Date Night From Hell,” by Mary Miller

Date Night From Hell

by

Mary Miller

 

Emily Post wrote, “A knowledge of etiquette is of course essential to one’s decent behavior, just as clothing is essential to one’s appearance.”

Rules of etiquette exist for writing thank-you notes, setting the table, and how to eat spaghetti. There are even rules of etiquette at a movie theater: no crying babies, no cellphones, no ten-gallon hats, and no talking. Mrs. Post would somersault in her grave if she witnessed my experience at a movie theater several years ago.
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Ant-Man left me irrationally Furious- A review rant (minor spoilers)

hope antman

 

Marvel’s Ant-Man gives us a woman, a man, and an ant-suit. Both want to wear the suit. The woman knows martial arts, can talk to ants, and already has the high-tech secrets to a master plan to save the world. The man is likeable thief Paul Rudd. The movie is called Ant-Man. Guess which one gets to wear the suit?

While still enjoyable and fun, Ant-Man left me with one burning question: why couldn’t Hope Van Dyne (Evangeline Lilly), Hank Pym’s (Michael Douglas) daughter, have been a hero?

Early on, Hope brings the stirrings of an evil plot to her father’s attention. Hank Pym starts looking for a new person to wear the Ant-Man suit he created and save the world. When Hope first confronts her father about how she should be doing the job she sums up in one sentence why she is the best choice (I’m loosely quoting here): ‘I know everything about everything gimme the suit.’ Pym’s reply: “Nah I’ve got a complete stranger in mind…he doesn’t know shit about my insanely weird tech but he’s a pretty qualified thief.”

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Things That Make Us Furious – Open Call for Submissions

By The Furious Gazelle editors

 

Life can be annoying. Infuriating, even. There’s a reason we call ourselves The Furious Gazelle. We have a new column, called Things That Make Us Furious, dedicated to highlighting the annoyance, pitfalls, and humor of existence. And we want you to contribute.

You may have already seen how Times Square makes e. kirshe “a thing of fury, loathing all,” or from Tess Tabak how surviving NYC publishing can make one furious. These are two examples of what we are looking for, but don’t feel limited in topic, style or format.

Submissions should be under 800 words, funny, and filled with fury. However, we’re not looking for rants — let your rage fuel your ideas, not consume them.

If you’d like to submit, or run an idea by us, e-mail us at submit@thefuriousgazelle.com. We may offer suggestions or feedback.

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