SCENE ONE

 

A line of dreary office cubicles. It’s late at night. ANNA

sits in one of the cubicles, frustrated and talking on the

phone.

 

ANNA

 

– and we also have the best pricing on the market. I dare you to show me one other mobile

carrier that can offer you a better deal and –

(pause)

Oh.

 

(pause)

 

Well, Mr. Ames, with nmobile carriers, it’s always about the quality. Not the price, sir. Even

though they’re cheaper, are they better? Are they really committed to –

 

(pause)

 

Hello? Mr. Ames?

 

(pause)

 

You piece of shit.

 

Anna hangs up the phone loudly, dejected. Immediately the

phone rings. She jumps and picks it up.

ANNA

Hello? Hey Susan.

(pause)

I mean, you heard that call too, Susan. K-mobile just gave him a better deal.

(flinches like she’s being yelled at)

I – I know. I’m- Yes, I know my deadline is an hour away. I’m – I’m trying. I really am.

You know I need this job. Yes, Susan, I’ll make my quota. Thank you!

She hangs up and takes a deep breath.

ANNA

Bitch.

 

She looks at her watch and back at her phone. She opens

her purse and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. She contemplates.

ANNA

 

Fuck it.

 

She grabs the pack of cigarettes and heads to the door. She opens it and goes out to an alley behind the office, closing the door behind her. She checks to see if no one is around and lights a cigarette. She takes a long drag and sighs, satisfied.

Suddenly, there is a vibration in the air. A strange hum fills her ears and the alley is flooded in blue light. Anna backs up to the door, scared, and drops her cigarette.

An alien, J – 23149 (JAY) materializes out of thin air. She is short and blue- skinned with small wings.

 

ANNA

Wha – what the hell?

 

J -23149 points a device at Anna. She cowers. The machine scans her and a voice from the machine –

MACHINE

Human. Female.

ANNA

(scared)

Please don’t hurt me.

 

MACHINE

Sentient. Overweight.

 

ANNA

(straightens up)

The hell did you say?

 

JAY

You are human. I am relieved.

 

ANNA

I’m the exact weight I need to be.

JAY

I am pleased. Before you, I scanned quite a few – what are they called –

(checks machine)

Cows. Yes. I scanned quite a few cows by mistake. I am, however, thrilled that you are human.

 

ANNA

You and me both.

 

JAY

You are the first human I have met. It is an honour. I have read all about your species. And your achievements. Quite remarkable.

 

Anna is clearly freaked out. She steadies herself.

ANNA

I am talking to an alien. This is happening. You’re a real live alien.

(under her breath)

And you just called me fat.

 

JAY

I am not alien to myself. But I suppose the concept of alien is relative. If I take your perspective into account, yes. I am alien. Now, if you will excuse me, I shall report to my command leader now. She will be pleased.

ANNA

Wh – where are you from? What’s your name?

(pause)

Do you have a name?

 

JAY

I am from X- ulnar. A nebula on the outer arms of the Andromeda.

(as if she’s performing Shakespeare)

I am J – 23149!

 

ANNA

I’m Anna. Uh, J – 213 –

 

JAY

J -23149!

 

ANNA

J – 23149. I’m sorry. Does your species have a name?

 

JAY

We are the Ulnars. We are the unifiers of the galaxies.

 

ANNA

That’s – wow. Impressive.

 

JAY

Yes. It is. Please excuse me. I have to report to my commander.

 

ANNA

Report what?

 

JAY

That I have discovered a level 4 planet. She will be most thrilled.

 

ANNA

Why?

 

JAY

We are the Ulnars. We unify.

 

ANNA

I know. You mentioned that. But what do you do?

 

JAY

We unify new planets and species under our name, of course.

 

ANNA

I don’t understand.

 

JAY

Alas, I forget this is a level 4 planet that inhabits three dimensions. Your intelligence is limited. I shall explain. The Ulnars are formless. We exist in the fifth dimension. Our minds are infinite across time and space. Our mission is to share our gifts with the universe. So, we discover new planets inhabit the bodies of lesser species to advance them and learn from them.

 

ANNA

Holy shit.

 

JAY

You seem taken aback. Surely, you did not think this was my own body? I acquired it on an asteroid near Proxima Centauri.

ANNA

You stole someone’s body?

 

JAY

Stealing is unlawful. I merely borrowed it. Now please excuse me. I have to report to my commander.

 

Jay picks up a device that looks like a phone.

ANNA

So you can enslave all the humans too? No! You can’t!

 

Anna snatches it out of Jay’s hand.

JAY

Please give it back. I am required to deliver a level 4 planet to my Commander today.

 

ANNA

Well, pick another planet, buddy. You’re not unifying this one.

 

JAY

You don’t understand. I have no say in it. I am merely a searcher. And I have deadlines.

 

ANNA

What?

 

JAY

I have tried not to let it show, but I am under quite a lot of stress, Anna. I need this job.

 

ANNA

You have deadlines?

 

JAY

Yes! Like every other searcher, I am required to deliver two level 4 planets to my commander every year. My deadline is in another hour. Please return my communication device.

 

ANNA

No! Tell your boss you didn’t find any.

 

JAY

I cannot do that. My commander is a little – (pause) hard to please. I do not want to get on her wrong side.

 

ANNA

And I can tell you exactly how to handle that. I have dealt with that shit all my life. Just listen to me, J – 2341 –

 

JAY

J -23149!

 

ANNA

J – 23149. I’m sorry. Listen –

 

JAY

I have enjoyed our conversation Anna, but please return my communication device. But Level 4 planets are very rare and I’m not throwing away my shot.

 

ANNA

You don’t want to enslave us. Trust me. We’re probably not even a level 4 planet. We’re awful.

 

JAY

What are you talking about? I have studied your species across time and space. Humans are glorious. You are most definitely a level 4 planet.

 

ANNA

Why?

 

JAY

Look at your history. You started out as apes. And you evolved to raise entire cities, create languages. You have flown to the moon and stars. If that is not potential, I don’t know what is.

 

ANNA

Listen to me! Human beings are awful. If you’ve read our history, you surely know that.

 

JAY

You raised structures that would shame the Gods. You built the pyramids, the Great Wall, –

 

ANNA

All built by slaves and prisoners and indentured servants. We’re awful. Trust me. You don’t want any part of this.

 

JAY

 

That does not take away from your accomplishments as a species. Look at where you are. Look at where you started.

 

ANNA

J- 2351, stop quoting Hamilton at me and listen.

 

JAY

J- 23149!

 

ANNA

(sighs)

Would you mind if I called you Jay?

 

JAY

Not particularly. Names are arbitrary, like your great Bard says. I am J- 23149, regardless of what you call me.

 

ANNA

Boy, you’re really into theatre, huh?

 

JAY

It is your greatest creation as a species. The most important thing the Ulnar can learn from you, is the art you make. Such passion. Such beauty. The paintings that hang in your halls. The songs that you sing and words that you write. The electricity on stage. Oh, the electricity on stage!

 

ANNA

Jeez, get a room, would you? Well I hate to break it to you, Jay, but no one can afford to live for their art anymore. When I was a kid, I wanted to be painter. But when I grew up, I needed the money. Finger painting doesn’t pay the rent. So, now I sell phone connections. That’s how humans work. We like the idea of art. But so few of us actually step up when we have to. You’re going to learn nothing from us.

 

JAY

That saddens me to hear.

 

ANNA

Well, I could say the same thing about you, Jay. The way you talk about the theatre. Why are you planet scouting for some bitch when you can be out there following your dream and acting?

 

JAY

I must admit. I very much wanted to inhabit an actor’s body when unifying your world. I particularly liked the work of your Tom Hanks. I wanted to go on stage, say the words and feel the cheers.

 

ANNA

You might live on five dimensions, but you’re fucking stupid on every one of them. You don’t need to body snatch Tom Hanks. All you need to do is quit your damn job. And follow your dreams. We write think pieces about it all the time. It’s not rocket science.

Jay is silent for the first time. Contemplative.

Anna waits with bated breath. Did it actually work?

 

JAY

I will if you will.

 

ANNA

What?

 

JAY

You will hand me my communication device and I will call T – 15627 this very instant. And I will tell her that I quit. If you will do the same.

(pause)

You said you wanted to paint, so paint. We can follow our dreams. Leave the monotony of our lives behind. You will never have to sell another phone connection again. I will never have to unify a planet again.

 

Anna is silent for a second. She unfreezes.

 

ANNA

Okay. Okay. You first.

 

She hands Jay her phone. Jay dials.

 

JAY

Hello? T -15627? This is J – 23149. (pause) No, ma’am. I regret to inform you that I have not discovered any more level 4 planets. (pause) I’m aware that I’ve missed my deadline. I henceforth terminate my professional searcher services to the X- Ulnar regime. (pause) Yes. I quit. Goodbye, T- 15627.

 

Jay hangs up. Anna gapes openmouthed.

JAY

Your turn.

 

Anna gulps, picks up her phone and dials.

 

ANNA

Hey, uh Susan? (pause) Yeah. Yeah I know I’m ten minutes past my deadline. Oh, and I quit.

 

She hangs up. Jay politely applauds.

 

JAY

Succinct and effective.

(pause)

Thank you, Anna. I am going to be a star. Not a literal one, of course, for they are insentient celestial bodies. But a figurative one, I shall be. Even bigger than your Tom Hanks.

 

ANNA

I don’t doubt it.

 

They smile at each other and Jay embraces Anna.

 

JAY

Farewell Anna, the human. I shall look for your colors on the walls of your galleries.

 

Anna waves goodbye as Jay vanishes. Anna stands there, lost in profound thought for a second. Then almost immediately scrambles for her phone and dials, freaking out.

 

ANNA

Ohmygod, Susan, I am so sorry. Please don’t fire me. Would you believe me if I told you I did it to save the world? No Susan, I swear I am not bullshitting you. Please! I need this job!

 

BLACKOUT.

 

 


Jyotsna Hariharan is an award-winning writer from Madurai, India. She has an MFA in Dramatic Writing from NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts and is cross-trained in writing for television, screen and stage. After a few years working in IT software marketing, and realizing she would never find enough synonyms for “empower”, she decided to move across countries and learn how to write for TV instead. Over the last two years, she’s worked as a stage manager at Theatre for the New City , and with the production, field and research departments at The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore (Comedy Central) and Full Frontal with Samantha Bee (TBS). Her radio play, Rebuttal (Audie Award Finalist,2018), was produced and published by HarperCollins in the Fall of 2016.

Twitter: @jyotsna_hh

Website: https://www.jyotsnahariharan.com/