SCENE ONE
A line of dreary office cubicles. It’s late at night. ANNA
sits in one of the cubicles, frustrated and talking on the
phone.
ANNA
– and we also have the best pricing on the market. I dare you to show me one other mobile
carrier that can offer you a better deal and –
(pause)
Oh.
(pause)
Well, Mr. Ames, with nmobile carriers, it’s always about the quality. Not the price, sir. Even
though they’re cheaper, are they better? Are they really committed to –
(pause)
Hello? Mr. Ames?
(pause)
You piece of shit.
Anna hangs up the phone loudly, dejected. Immediately the
phone rings. She jumps and picks it up.
ANNA
Hello? Hey Susan.
(pause)
I mean, you heard that call too, Susan. K-mobile just gave him a better deal.
(flinches like she’s being yelled at)
I – I know. I’m- Yes, I know my deadline is an hour away. I’m – I’m trying. I really am.
You know I need this job. Yes, Susan, I’ll make my quota. Thank you!
ANNA
Bitch.
She looks at her watch and back at her phone. She opens
her purse and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. She contemplates.
ANNA
Fuck it.
She grabs the pack of cigarettes and heads to the door. She opens it and goes out to an alley behind the office, closing the door behind her. She checks to see if no one is around and lights a cigarette. She takes a long drag and sighs, satisfied.
Suddenly, there is a vibration in the air. A strange hum fills her ears and the alley is flooded in blue light. Anna backs up to the door, scared, and drops her cigarette.
An alien, J – 23149 (JAY) materializes out of thin air. She is short and blue- skinned with small wings.
ANNA
Wha – what the hell?
J -23149 points a device at Anna. She cowers. The machine scans her and a voice from the machine –
MACHINE
Human. Female.
ANNA
(scared)
Please don’t hurt me.
MACHINE
Sentient. Overweight.
ANNA
(straightens up)
The hell did you say?
JAY
You are human. I am relieved.
ANNA
I’m the exact weight I need to be.
JAY
I am pleased. Before you, I scanned quite a few – what are they called –
Cows. Yes. I scanned quite a few cows by mistake. I am, however, thrilled that you are human.
ANNA
You and me both.
JAY
You are the first human I have met. It is an honour. I have read all about your species. And your achievements. Quite remarkable.
ANNA
I am talking to an alien. This is happening. You’re a real live alien.
And you just called me fat.
JAY
I am not alien to myself. But I suppose the concept of alien is relative. If I take your perspective into account, yes. I am alien. Now, if you will excuse me, I shall report to my command leader now. She will be pleased.
ANNA
Wh – where are you from? What’s your name?
Do you have a name?
JAY
I am from X- ulnar. A nebula on the outer arms of the Andromeda.
I am J – 23149!
ANNA
I’m Anna. Uh, J – 213 –
JAY
J -23149!
ANNA
J – 23149. I’m sorry. Does your species have a name?
JAY
We are the Ulnars. We are the unifiers of the galaxies.
ANNA
That’s – wow. Impressive.
JAY
Yes. It is. Please excuse me. I have to report to my commander.
ANNA
Report what?
JAY
That I have discovered a level 4 planet. She will be most thrilled.
ANNA
Why?
JAY
We are the Ulnars. We unify.
ANNA
I know. You mentioned that. But what do you do?
JAY
We unify new planets and species under our name, of course.
ANNA
I don’t understand.
JAY
Alas, I forget this is a level 4 planet that inhabits three dimensions. Your intelligence is limited. I shall explain. The Ulnars are formless. We exist in the fifth dimension. Our minds are infinite across time and space. Our mission is to share our gifts with the universe. So, we discover new planets inhabit the bodies of lesser species to advance them and learn from them.
ANNA
Holy shit.
JAY
You seem taken aback. Surely, you did not think this was my own body? I acquired it on an asteroid near Proxima Centauri.
ANNA
You stole someone’s body?
JAY
Stealing is unlawful. I merely borrowed it. Now please excuse me. I have to report to my commander.
ANNA
So you can enslave all the humans too? No! You can’t!
JAY
Please give it back. I am required to deliver a level 4 planet to my Commander today.
ANNA
Well, pick another planet, buddy. You’re not unifying this one.
JAY
You don’t understand. I have no say in it. I am merely a searcher. And I have deadlines.
ANNA
What?
JAY
I have tried not to let it show, but I am under quite a lot of stress, Anna. I need this job.
ANNA
You have deadlines?
JAY
Yes! Like every other searcher, I am required to deliver two level 4 planets to my commander every year. My deadline is in another hour. Please return my communication device.
ANNA
No! Tell your boss you didn’t find any.
JAY
I cannot do that. My commander is a little – (pause) hard to please. I do not want to get on her wrong side.
ANNA
And I can tell you exactly how to handle that. I have dealt with that shit all my life. Just listen to me, J – 2341 –
JAY
J -23149!
ANNA
J – 23149. I’m sorry. Listen –
JAY
I have enjoyed our conversation Anna, but please return my communication device. But Level 4 planets are very rare and I’m not throwing away my shot.
ANNA
You don’t want to enslave us. Trust me. We’re probably not even a level 4 planet. We’re awful.
JAY
What are you talking about? I have studied your species across time and space. Humans are glorious. You are most definitely a level 4 planet.
ANNA
Why?
JAY
Look at your history. You started out as apes. And you evolved to raise entire cities, create languages. You have flown to the moon and stars. If that is not potential, I don’t know what is.
ANNA
Listen to me! Human beings are awful. If you’ve read our history, you surely know that.
JAY
You raised structures that would shame the Gods. You built the pyramids, the Great Wall, –
ANNA
All built by slaves and prisoners and indentured servants. We’re awful. Trust me. You don’t want any part of this.
JAY
That does not take away from your accomplishments as a species. Look at where you are. Look at where you started.
ANNA
J- 2351, stop quoting Hamilton at me and listen.
JAY
J- 23149!
ANNA
(sighs)
Would you mind if I called you Jay?
JAY
Not particularly. Names are arbitrary, like your great Bard says. I am J- 23149, regardless of what you call me.
ANNA
Boy, you’re really into theatre, huh?
JAY
It is your greatest creation as a species. The most important thing the Ulnar can learn from you, is the art you make. Such passion. Such beauty. The paintings that hang in your halls. The songs that you sing and words that you write. The electricity on stage. Oh, the electricity on stage!
ANNA
Jeez, get a room, would you? Well I hate to break it to you, Jay, but no one can afford to live for their art anymore. When I was a kid, I wanted to be painter. But when I grew up, I needed the money. Finger painting doesn’t pay the rent. So, now I sell phone connections. That’s how humans work. We like the idea of art. But so few of us actually step up when we have to. You’re going to learn nothing from us.
JAY
That saddens me to hear.
ANNA
Well, I could say the same thing about you, Jay. The way you talk about the theatre. Why are you planet scouting for some bitch when you can be out there following your dream and acting?
JAY
I must admit. I very much wanted to inhabit an actor’s body when unifying your world. I particularly liked the work of your Tom Hanks. I wanted to go on stage, say the words and feel the cheers.
ANNA
You might live on five dimensions, but you’re fucking stupid on every one of them. You don’t need to body snatch Tom Hanks. All you need to do is quit your damn job. And follow your dreams. We write think pieces about it all the time. It’s not rocket science.
Jay is silent for the first time. Contemplative.
Anna waits with bated breath. Did it actually work?
JAY
I will if you will.
ANNA
What?
JAY
You will hand me my communication device and I will call T – 15627 this very instant. And I will tell her that I quit. If you will do the same.
You said you wanted to paint, so paint. We can follow our dreams. Leave the monotony of our lives behind. You will never have to sell another phone connection again. I will never have to unify a planet again.
ANNA
Okay. Okay. You first.
JAY
Hello? T -15627? This is J – 23149. (pause) No, ma’am. I regret to inform you that I have not discovered any more level 4 planets. (pause) I’m aware that I’ve missed my deadline. I henceforth terminate my professional searcher services to the X- Ulnar regime. (pause) Yes. I quit. Goodbye, T- 15627.
JAY
Your turn.
ANNA
Hey, uh Susan? (pause) Yeah. Yeah I know I’m ten minutes past my deadline. Oh, and I quit.
JAY
Succinct and effective.
Thank you, Anna. I am going to be a star. Not a literal one, of course, for they are insentient celestial bodies. But a figurative one, I shall be. Even bigger than your Tom Hanks.
ANNA
I don’t doubt it.
JAY
Farewell Anna, the human. I shall look for your colors on the walls of your galleries.
Anna waves goodbye as Jay vanishes. Anna stands there, lost in profound thought for a second. Then almost immediately scrambles for her phone and dials, freaking out.
ANNA
Ohmygod, Susan, I am so sorry. Please don’t fire me. Would you believe me if I told you I did it to save the world? No Susan, I swear I am not bullshitting you. Please! I need this job!
BLACKOUT.
Jyotsna Hariharan is an award-winning writer from Madurai, India. She has an MFA in Dramatic Writing from NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts and is cross-trained in writing for television, screen and stage. After a few years working in IT software marketing, and realizing she would never find enough synonyms for “empower”, she decided to move across countries and learn how to write for TV instead. Over the last two years, she’s worked as a stage manager at Theatre for the New City , and with the production, field and research departments at The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore (Comedy Central) and Full Frontal with Samantha Bee (TBS). Her radio play, Rebuttal (Audie Award Finalist,2018), was produced and published by HarperCollins in the Fall of 2016.
Twitter: @jyotsna_hh
Website: https://www.
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