“Sorrow is concealed in gilded palaces, and there’s no escaping it.”

–The Double, Fyodor Dostoyevsky

 

CHARACTERS

PETE – in his late 20s, a guy who can blend into the background of any room. He’s made enough traumatic emotional messes to be guarded and measured, avoiding any big emotion.

 

MAYA – in her late 20s, a woman whose default setting is lively joy, but since her husband’s death she hasn’t had the energy, or even looked very hard, though she’s working on getting it back.

 

WENDY – in her late 20s, a sweet, thoughtful woman who’s too nervous to be completely supportive when her friend needs her.

 

DOCTOR – in his 60s, a warm and connected psychiatrist who still holds himself at a good, professional reserve (though this character is written as male here, the role could be played by any gender).

 

FRIEND (voice) – in his late 20s, affable but distant.

SETTING

Modern day, various Southern California locations that need not be rendered realistically.

 

 

Lights up on Pete’s small, nondescript apartment—loveseat, coffee table, old TV.

 

(Wendy and Pete enter. Wendy holds a canvas tote by the handles. Pete is beaten down by the world, and very tired.)

 

WENDY

(chipper, but forced)

Home sweet home.

 

PETE

I guess.

 

WENDY

What should I do with your stuff?

 

PETE

Wherever

 

(Wendy sets the tote bag down on the couch.)

 

WENDY

What are you gonna get up to the rest of the day?

 

PETE

(shrug)

Maybe watch some TV.

 

WENDY

You should go for a walk. Clear your head.

 

(Pete chuckles, rueful.)

 

WENDY

Well, at least watch something good. The Godfather.

 

PETE

Thanks for picking me up.

 

WENDY

I’m always here if you need to talk or anything. We could get coffee sometime.

 

PETE

(hopeful, but resigned)

Do you want some now? I could put the water on.

 

WENDY

You know, I wish I could. I do. But Andy has this work thing that I should probably go to.

 

PETE

Sure.

 

WENDY

I’m sorry. I just really have to be there.

 

PETE

Hey, don’t worry. Another time.

 

WENDY

Another time. Soon.

 

(She hesitates, and then gives him a big hug.)

 

PETE

See ya, Wendy.

 

WENDY

Call me if you need.

 

(He nods, and she goes.

 

Pete looks around, then goes to his tote bag, takes out a belt, and puts it on. He takes shoelaces out and starts to re-lace his shoes. He pulls up the cuff of his shirt and starts trying to pull off his hospital bracelet, but it’s tough. He starts working on it with his teeth, finally gnawing it off. He drops it a trash bin and sits on the couch. He picks up the remote, and turns the TV on. He channel surfs for a few moments, then turns the TV off.

 

He picks up a book from the coffee table and opens it. He reads for a few moments, then shuts it and tosses it back on the table.

 

Fade to black.

 

Lights up on a psychiatrist’s office. Pete and his doctor sit in easy chairs, angled towards each other but cheated out. The doctor wears a polo and horn-rim glasses, and he holds a notepad, taking notes as Pete talks.)

 

PETE

Last time, by the time they sent me home – it just felt like I wrestled it down faster.

 

DOCTOR

Has the sleeping gotten back to normal?

 

PETE

I lie in bed and just stare at the ceiling. Sometimes for an hour. And then five hours later, my eyes just spring open. I feel body-tired, but not sleepy.

 

DOCTOR

Have you thought about looking for another job?

 

PETE

I don’t think I’ll be getting a good reference.

 

DOCTOR

Well, it’s something to start thinking about.

 

PETE

I can’t draw.

 

DOCTOR

Say more about that.

 

PETE

I’m usually pretty good, not to toot my own horn. But I went up to the park yesterday, just to get out of the house, and I took my notebook, I thought I’d draw the view or something. I just couldn’t.

 

DOCTOR

Couldn’t get inspired?

 

PETE

It was like I forgot how to draw at all. The proportions were all wrong. I couldn’t get my perspective right. It was like I was a little kid again. Can the meds do that?

 

DOCTOR

I’ve never heard of it, but I wouldn’t say it’s impossible.

 

PETE

I’m not interested in music. It’s all just white noise.

 

DOCTOR

Those side effects will level off as you get used to the new dosage.

 

PETE

(slightly desperate)

When?

 

DOCTOR

I’m sorry, I can’t say. I’d like to keep talking about your neurovegetative signs. How’s the appetite?

 

PETE

I know I should be hungry. The idea of eating just has no appeal for me. I force stuff down.

 

DOCTOR

Libido?

 

PETE

There’s nobody to act on my libido with, so it’s not really an issue.

 

DOCTOR

But do you want to be acting on it?

 

PETE

I don’t really think about it.

 

DOCTOR

What do you think about?

 

PETE

Nothing.

 

(The doctor nods and writes a note.)

 

PETE

I feel like I’ve forgotten who I am. Or my identity was a sick person, and now that I’m trying to get better, I have to figure out who I am in the first place.

 

DOCTOR

And are you seeing friends?

 

PETE

Not really.

 

DOCTOR

That would be my prescription. Get out there, be around people.

 

PETE

They’re all coupled off, or they’ve got kids. They’re living their lives.

 

DOCTOR

Well, it’s as much a prescription as the medication. Don’t be alone. Find something to be part of.

 

(Pete nods.)

 

DOCTOR

What’s going on with your inner life?

 

PETE

What do you mean?

 

DOCTOR

What do you think about? When you’re walking around?

 

PETE

(considers the question)

I’m just walking around. Y’know?

 

(Fade to black.

 

Lights up on Pete in his apartment. He’s got a friend on speaker, holding the phone near his mouth.)

 

PETE

I was thinking about getting a beer later, maybe at Lula’s. You around?

 

FRIEND (voice)

Tonight’s not so good. Maybe next week.

 

PETE

Sure. Monday?

 

FRIEND (voice)

Let’s touch base next week, figure it out then.

 

PETE

OK. I’ll call you on Monday.

 

FRIEND (voice)

Sure. I’ll talk to you later.

 

(Pete hangs up. He picks up a book, then puts it back down. He picks up a baseball and tosses it back and forth between his hands.

The phone rings. He takes the call and presses the speaker button.)

 

PETE

Hello?

MAYA (voice)

Hi, is this Peter Sullivan?

PETE

Yes, speaking.

MAYA (voice)

Hi. This is Maya Sullivan. Um, I’m your sister-in-law I guess.

PETE

Wow. Whoa, wait. Really?

MAYA (voice)

Yeah, I’m Jimmy’s wife.

PETE

Goddamn. Jimmy got married, huh?

MAYA (voice)

Yeah, he did. And – there’s no great way to say this. Peter, I’m calling because Jimmy…Jim died a week ago.

(Pete’s face falls.)

PETE

OK. Yeah. All right.

MAYA (voice)

I’m sorry to do this over the phone.

PETE

No, it’s fine. It’s just – how?

MAYA (voice)

It was a car accident. He got T-boned by a drunk driver. He was dead by the time the ambulance got there.

PETE

Shit.

MAYA (voice)

I know. I’m sorry, Peter. I really am.

PETE

Yeah. Me too. For you. I’m sorry. When’s the funeral?

MAYA (voice)

He didn’t want one. He just wanted his ashes scattered in the desert.

 

PETE

Oh. OK.

 

MAYA (voice)

I was wondering if you’d come.

 

PETE

Me?

 

MAYA (voice)

Yeah. I’m up in the Inland Empire. You could come up tomorrow, we could scatter them the next morning.

 

PETE

Of course. Yeah, I’ll come. Of course.

 

MAYA (voice)

Great. I’m so glad. He would have wanted you to be there.

 

PETE

Yeah. Me, too.

 

(Fade to black.

Lights up on Maya’s one story ranch house—a kitchen with a small table and a counter with a cabinet, a living room with couch and end table.

Maya putters around the kitchen, anxious. There’s a knock at the door. She answers it, and it’s Pete.

They stare at each other a few moments. Maya is dazed.)

 

PETE

Hi, I’m Pete.

 

MAYA

Yeah, that’s hard to miss.

 

PETE

Oh. Right.

 

MAYA

It’s just – it’ll take a little getting used to. Come in, please.

 

(Pete walks in and goes to the living room.)

 

MAYA

You found the place OK?

 

PETE

Yup.

 

MAYA

Nice drive?

 

PETE

Yeah, it was.

 

(He goes to the side table and picks up a picture frame. Maya goes, and they look at it together.)

 

MAYA

Our honeymoon.

 

(Small, thoughtful beat.)

 

PETE

We were identical from day one, every step of the way, so I don’t know why it feels weird that he developed the same as me since then. It feels like if we stopped speaking, we should have diverged somehow. Doesn’t make sense, but that’s how it feels.

 

MAYA

I get it. I guess.

 

PETE

I hadn’t seen him since college. Not since my mom’s funeral.

 

MAYA

Yeah, that’s when we met, at Pomona. His senior year, my junior.

 

(Pete nods, and keeps looking at the photo.)

 

MAYA

Do you want a photo to take home?

 

PETE

No, you should have them. I can always go look in the mirror, I guess.

 

MAYA

I just made some coffee. You want a cup?

 

PETE

Yeah, that would be great.

 

(They go to the kitchen, and Maya pours coffee from a carafe. Pete sits at the table and she brings him a mug.)

 

MAYA

Want some sugar?

 

PETE

No, I’m good.

 

MAYA

(slightly pressured)

Are you sure?

(Pete considers.)

MAYA

(she really wants him to have some)

It’s raw and organic. Best you’ll ever have.

 

PETE

Sure.

(She brings him two sugar cubes. Pete hesitates, then puts them in his coffee.

Satisfied, Maya leans against the counter and watches him take a sip.)

 

PETE

It wasn’t a grudge, y’know. Really. It’s just always easier not to call, and then the longer you go without calling, the harder it is to call. You – yeah, you just always think there’s more time.

 

(He shakes his head.)

 

MAYA

Well, he always spoke highly of you.

 

PETE

Really?

 

MAYA

How smart you were. How artistic.

 

PETE

I guess I was. Back then. These days I’m –

 

MAYA

(interrupting)

He wasn’t very artistic.

 

PETE

I know.

 

MAYA

He was more a math guy. That’s actually how we met, he was the T.A. for my Lunar and Planetary Science class. I always went to the review sessions, even though I got good grades.

 

PETE

That’s a good how-we-met story.

 

MAYA

I like it.

 

PETE

I’ve never had a good story like that. It’s been a while since there was anyone.

 

MAYA

So I should probably start thinking about dinner.

 

PETE

Oh, you don’t have to cook anything. We could order in or something, if you want.

 

MAYA

No, it’s good. It’s good for me to be busy. You could go get settled in the guest room.

 

PETE

OK. Sure, yeah. I’ll come out in a little while.

 

MAYA

Sounds good.

 

(Pete stands and goes. Maya watches him. Once he’s out of the room, she puts her face in her hands.

Fade to black.

Lights up on the kitchen, after dark. Pete dries the dinner dishes with a dishtowel.

Maya comes in, holding a box. Pete doesn’t turn around at first, and for a moment she just stands, looking at him.

He senses her behind him and turns, putting down a plate.)

 

PETE

Hey. Thanks again for dinner.

 

MAYA

Of course. I put together some of Jimmy’s clothes. I thought maybe you’d want them. Since you’re the same size.

 

PETE

Oh. OK.

 

(He wipes off his hands and she gives him the box. He looks through.)

 

PETE

Yeah, some of this looks good, definitely.

 

MAYA

You could try some of it on.

 

PETE

Well, like you said, we’re pretty much the same size.

 

MAYA

Still, can’t hurt to try it on. Go put on the blue shirt and the khakis. I’ll tell you how they look.

 

PETE

Oh. Sure, OK.

 

(He takes the box and goes.

Maya goes to the living room and paces a moment, nervous. She sits down on the couch and waits, crossing and uncrossing her legs. Chewing a fingernail.

Pete comes in, dressed as she told him to, and she stands. She puts a hand over her mouth.)

 

PETE

How do I look?

 

MAYA

So handsome.

 

PETE

Thanks. Should I –

 

MAYA

Don’t. Just – come sit here.

 

PETE

Really?

 

MAYA

Yes. Come sit with me.

 

(She sits on the couch and gestures for him to sit next to her. He does. She looks at him, a small smile on her face.)

 

PETE

Listen –

 

MAYA

Shh. Let’s just sit for a little while.

 

PETE

I don’t think this is healthy.

 

MAYA

Please.

 

PETE

It doesn’t feel right.

 

MAYA

Please. Just let me have this.

 

(Pete looks at her, then nods. She reaches out and touches his hand. He looks down at their hands, and then opens his hand and holds hers. They sit together.

Gradually, he puts his arm around her and she leans into him.

After a moment, Maya turns. She hesitates, and then she moves to climb up and straddle Pete on his lap.)

 

PETE

Whoa, hi! What –

 

(Maya kisses him passionately. He breaks the kiss.)

 

PETE

We can’t –  

 

MAYA

Touch me. Touch my face.

 

PETE

It’s not right.

 

MAYA

(desperate)

Please. Touch my face.

 

(Pete hesitates, then touches her face tentatively. Something comes over him, and he touches her more intimately. She kisses him again, and he kisses her back.)

 

MAYA

Touch my chest.

 

PETE

I can’t.

 

(She kisses him again. She starts moving her hips, trying to warm him up.)

 

MAYA

Say, ‘Christ, Babe, I’m tangled up in you.’

 

PETE

Maya, I can’t.

 

MAYA

You can! ‘Christ, babe, I’m tangled up in you.’ Do this for me!

 

(She grinds her hips into him, working desperately to get him going.)

 

PETE

I can’t!

 

(Maya stops and looks at him.)

 

MAYA

You’re not attracted to me?

 

PETE

No. You’re – you’re beautiful.

 

MAYA

Do you – go for men?

 

PETE

No.

 

MAYA

Then why won’t you? If I want to, and you want to, why not? Don’t you want to?

 

PETE

I do. I think I do. I just – I take this medication, a high dose. And it has side effects. I can’t…

(ashamed)

I can’t even make it to the starting line.

 

(Maya stares at him, and she’s overcome with disgust and sorrow. She stays on his lap, but any charge between them is gone.)

 

PETE

I was in the hospital last week. On a psych ward. And they –

 

MAYA

Stop. Just stop. Don’t say that.

 

PETE

I had a psychotic episode –

 

MAYA

Stop! I can’t hear you say that!

 

(She gets off the couch, uncomfortable in her skin, and rushes to the door.)

 

PETE

I could hold you.

 

(But she leaves, slamming a door hard behind her.

Pete sits back and throws an arm across his eyes. He grits his teeth and makes a tortured sound in the back of his throat.

Fade to black.

Lights up. It’s morning, and Pete and Maya stand in the desert. We hear wind, distant traffic, distant barking, and other outdoor noises.

Pete, wearing a tie, stands next to Maya, who’s holding an urn.)

 

PETE

Are you gonna say something?

 

(Maya looks down at the urn, then shakes her head.)

 

MAYA

Who am I saying it for?

 

PETE

Can I say something?

 

MAYA

If you need to.

 

PETE

Can I hold him?

 

(Maya hands him the urn.)

 

PETE

(to the urn)

I’m sorry, man. Sorry we went so long. Sorry I never called. I’m sorry…

(beat)

You know what? No, I’m not. Forget it. Here, take him back.

 

(Maya looks at Pete, confused.)

 

PETE

Just take him.

 

(Maya takes the urn. She opens the top and puts her hand in, withdrawing a small handful of ashes.)

 

MAYA

Do you want to do one?

 

(Pete looks over at her, hesitant.)

 

MAYA

I think it would make you feel better.

 

(After another moment, Pete reaches in and takes a handful of ash.)

MAYA

Ready?

 

(Pete nods. They stand as the lights fade to black. They don’t let go of the ashes.

 

Lights up on Pete and Maya walking into the kitchen. Maya tosses her keys on the table.)

 

PETE

I guess I’ll go get my stuff.

 

(Maya nods, and Pete turns to go.)

 

MAYA

Pete.

 

(Pete turns back.)

 

MAYA

Why hadn’t you talked since college?

 

PETE

I told you.

 

MAYA

Now tell me the truth.

 

PETE

It’s hard.

 

MAYA

Here.

 

(She goes to the cabinet and gets out a bottle of whiskey. She gets a juice glass and pours a couple fingers. She goes to the table, sets the glass at one seat, then sits down opposite. She nods at the seat with the glass at it.

Pete sits down. He picks up the glass and sips it. He takes a breath, steels himself.)

 

PETE

I had a nervous breakdown in college. My psychiatrist says not to say that. It’s not a technical term. But that’s what it felt like.

 

MAYA

Sure.

 

PETE

So I was in the hospital for a while. And when I got out, I was on really shaky footing. And Jimmy – when I told him about it…I’m sorry, I shouldn’t talk about him like this.

 

MAYA

It’s OK. Say it.

 

PETE

(considers her feelings, then goes for it)

He was a real dick about it. He wouldn’t listen to me, he just said, ‘We all have our problems,’ and told me to get over it. And it was a really dark time for me. I couldn’t really hear anything that wasn’t supportive. And I was kind of on the mend, but when he said that…it got a lot worse for a little while.

 

MAYA

I’m sorry, Pete. I knew that version of him, too.

 

PETE

It’s fine.

 

(He drinks his whiskey.)

 

MAYA

Do you want to talk about it? All of it?

 

PETE

No, that’s OK.

 

MAYA

You said it happened again. Recently. You said you were in the hospital.

 

PETE

Yeah.

 

MAYA

Have you talked about it?

 

PETE

Just with my doctor.

 

MAYA

Talk about it.

 

PETE

I thought you couldn’t hear it.

 

MAYA

That was another lifetime.

 

(Pete eyes her, suspicious.)

 

MAYA

Tell me.

 

(Pete looks down, then nods.)

 

PETE

It started a few weeks ago.

 

(As Pete speaks, the lights fade very slowly, so that by the time he reaches the end of this dialogue block, we’re out.)

 

PETE

I got this idea for a big project at work. I thought it would change the way the company ran, so I was working hard, I was excited, and pretty soon I was thinking maybe this project could really change things. Like I could overhaul how businesses ran everywhere, all over the country, all over the world. It was really, really exciting. So I was working a lot, I wasn’t sleeping. I started crying a lot, I was so excited. I thought I was gonna change everything. So that was when I started to know something was up. Since I’d done it before. But I didn’t care. I just kept going. I thought I could ride the wave. It felt so good.

 

(Black.

Lights up. Pete stands outside with his overnight bag. Maya stands between him and the house.)

 

PETE

Thanks, Maya. Really. That was – thank you.

 

MAYA

You’re welcome. I’m glad you feel better.

 

PETE

Would it be OK – can I hug you?

 

MAYA

(playful)

I don’t know, can you?

 

(They embrace. She strokes the back of his head.)

 

MAYA

Hey, hang on.

 

(She goes back into the kitchen and grabs the bottle of whiskey.)

 

MAYA

Do you want this? It’s good stuff. Jimmy was kind of an aficionado.

 

PETE

Really?

 

MAYA

I don’t need it. There’s someone coming in like seven months who’d rather I not.

 

PETE

What? Really?

 

(Maya nods, smiling a small, sad smile.)

 

PETE

I’m gonna be an uncle?

 

MAYA

Yeah, I guess so.

 

PETE

Wow. That’s amazing. Congratulations.

 

(He puts a hand over his mouth.)

 

MAYA

Are you OK?

 

PETE

Yeah, it’s just – I haven’t really had any family in a long time. Uncle Pete. Man.

 

(Maya nods.)

 

PETE

So can I come back when it’s born?

 

MAYA

We’ll see.

 

PETE

What do you mean? It’s not such a long trip. I could come over for –

 

MAYA

Pete, it’s a no.

 

(Pete is struck.)

 

PETE

Why?

 

MAYA

The baby never will have known its dad. If you’re around, that’s who the face in all the pictures will be. I want them to be pictures of Dad. Not pictures of Uncle Pete.

 

PETE

We don’t even look that much alike!

 

MAYA

You’re identical.

 

PETE

(getting desperate)

No, look at my ear. I have this weird –

 

MAYA

Pete, it’s a no.

 

PETE

I could dye my hair. Shave my head. I’ll gain weight. I’ll wear glasses.

 

MAYA

Go home, Pete. I needed something from you, you gave it to me. I’ll always love you. But you need to stay away.

 

PETE

Please. Don’t do this.

 

MAYA

That’s just what it needs to be.

 

PETE

(increasingly desperate)

What if I were him? I could be him. I could. It was good last night, wasn’t it? I’ll be him for the baby. I’ll be him for you! The kid never needs to know. I’ll make you forget.

 

(Maya touches his cheek.)

 

MAYA

Goodbye, Pete.

 

(She turns and goes back inside, exiting through the living room. Pete is alone.

 

PETE

I could be him.

 

(Pete hangs his head.

Fade to black.

Lights up on Pete’s apartment. Pete walks in, puts down his overnight bag, and goes to the couch. He sits and stares into space.

His phone rings. He takes it out of his pocket and answers it, putting it on speaker and holding it near his mouth. He’s dazed and vacant.)

 

PETE

Hello?

 

WENDY (voice)

Hey, Pete?

 

PETE

Hmm?

 

WENDY (voice)

It’s Wendy. Did I wake you up or something?

 

PETE

Hmm?

 

WENDY

Pete? Pete, is that you?

 

(Pete stares ahead.

Fade to black.)

Ethan Warren is a playwright and filmmaker. His two-act play, Why Are You Nowhere?, won the Playwright’s Award for Staged Reading at the summer 2016 Midtown International Theatre Festival, and had its debut production in 2017 at Southeastern Louisiana University. His work has also been performed in Florida, Alaska, and Pennsylvania, and his debut feature film, West of Her, is set for release in fall 2017. He lives in the Boston area with his wife, Caitlin, and their daughter, Nora. You can learn more about his work at www.ethanrawarren.com.