Characters
Jack 30-40, male, tall, overweight artist with tattoos
Miranda (Jack’s ex-wife) 30-40, female, dark haired, pretty and strong
Jack’s mother (played by same actress cast as Miranda)
Magda 25-30, female, beautiful and voluptuous, Polish
Irv (Magda’s husband) 50-60, male, grey haired business man
Lupe 25-50, female, housekeeper, Hispanic
Setting
The play is set in Chicago. An artist’s 2-room apartment in Wicker Park, a modern Gold Coast home, and the women’s dressing room at Saks Fifth Avenue.
Time
The present.
Author’s note
The stage is sparse, except for a table and chairs. All properties in the play are imaginary. The actors pantomime climbing ladders, opening doors, holding the phone, smoking cigarettes, eating, etc. The lighting highlights most of the action. (i.e, spotlight on monologues.)
The supporting roles may be substituted with voiceovers.
JACK
My former wife divorced me because I’m too loud.
JACK (cont’d)
I can’t tell if I’ve just slammed a kitchen drawer, set my boots down too noisily on the wood floor, or asked too loudly where I left the remote. Where is the remote? (Pause) I read once that if you whisper something passionate into your lover’s left ear, those words have a lot more significance than if you had whispered them into their right ear because your left ear is controlled by the emotional side of your brain, ensuring all that love stuff will be heard loud and clear. I happen to be deaf in my left ear.
MIRANDA
(softly)
I love you, I love you, I love you.
JACK
(To Miranda) What?
JACK
(To Miranda) I’m not sure what you wanted me to do? (To audience) I’m not sure what she wanted me to do. I couldn’t watch my sports standing a foot away from the TV with my good ear cocked toward it making me look like a damn bird, so I turned the sound up and sat down on the couch. She said that I was subconsciously marking my territory when I jammed the microwave door closed, and that I might as well have peed on it to shut it. How would I know? Nothing sounded loud to me. I could see it in her eyes that she died a little bit inside when I brought home a leaf blower. And she must have been telling me that she loved me in my left ear because I swear I never heard her say it. Well, I guess it didn’t help my marriage that I had to say what a lot.
JACK (cont’d)
She stood in the doorway of my art studio staring at me on the day she left. My brush stopped mid-stroke because I felt a presence. I turned around and looked her over. She was just back from the gym with a bag over her shoulder, her face still red from jogging, and her hair made into spears by sweat. I remember when she used to walk in a room….it felt like an electric jolt to my body, now it just feels like old paint clotting up my veins. Her mood was wild that day. I made sure to set down my paintbrush and palette very quietly. I had no idea what she was going to do next, and knew that anything that came out of her mouth could not be good.
MIRANDA
You have to leave.
JACK
I felt pickled in my own shame. I thought: Me? If you want to be away from me, why don’t you go? This has gotta be a trick. (Pause) Okay, I said in a small voice.
JACK (cont’d)
It reminded me of the day my mother left, standing there with a giant suitcase. She kept waving and mouthing goodbye to me. I stepped closer to her to hear what she was saying, but it was as if my ear had shriveled up and stopped working. I watched her shut the door, but couldn’t hear it close. She took part of my soul with her in that suitcase. She came back the next day, already transformed, to deliver a paint set that she had forgotten to leave for me the day before…it was kind of like a parting gift. I haven’t stopped painting since.
JACK (cont’d)
I ended up living in a second-floor, two-room apartment overlooking Wood Street and Chicago Avenue. I set up my art studio in the room with the northern light, and put a king-size bed in the kitchen. I ate downstairs at the Chinese restaurant every day. Breakfast was leftovers. I got real productive and turned out a lot of paintings, especially those with an Asian theme.
JACK (cont’d)
I met them at a party. His name was Irv and hers Magda, but she wanted to be called Beth to sound more American, so I teasingly called her Magbeth. They were rich and part of a circuit of art patrons who threw lavish parties to show off their new purchases. It became standard for hostesses to put my name at the top of every invite list to safeguard that an evening didn’t become a festival full of robots. My scintillating personality was the guarantee that everyone would have a good time and a lot of these partygoers had not met any artist before. It wasn’t like Pissarro or Rushca was gonna show up, so they got me. Their wealth seemed to trick them into the conventional and marginalize their ability to have fun. I was their ticket to the train out of Dullsville. In my presence, which eerily felt like a resurrection, everyone let loose and celebrated. Men drank and swore a bit more, and willingly told embarrassing stories about themselves. Women cooed and tossed their hair back and subconsciously slid their fingers over their cleavage when I told them I wanted to paint them. These soirees secretly rattled me because they made me seem smarter and cleverer than I really am. I don’t know what made me keep going back to play the part of the false Messiah, I guess I was addicted to their need for my attention. Afterward, I took long showers, drank a few glasses of whiskey, and got reacquainted with the real me…some jerk from the suburbs who can paint a picture.
IRV
Hi how are ya? Irv Baumgarten. This is my wife Mag⎯
MAGDA
(Polish accent)
Beth.
JACK
Oh, so it’s Magbeth? (Jack laughs at his joke then speaks to the audience) Irv did something in finance and Magbeth worked on keeping herself pretty. They remodeled a house in the Gold Coast and wanted to commission some paintings for it. They decided that I was their guy before they had even seen my work. I could have been a house painter and they still would have hired me. Their one condition was that the painting had to be done inside of their home, which I didn’t want to do. Irv kept telling me that he had the best canvas in the world for any artist, and that I would have to see it to believe it. I really don’t like the company of other people, especially when I’m painting…I like my solitude. I like to be able to whistle if I want to, listen to Rush albums as loud as my stereo will play them or relieve myself in a glass jar instead of using the can, but I knew I had to take this commission because I needed the money. In my divorce settlement I still owed my wife: monthly maintenance, braces, laser facial resurfacing, and a Porsche mini-van. Who is her lawyer?
JACK (cont’d)
It was one of those killer hot and humid Chicago days. I showed up at their house around noon, not ready to work, but to see this so-called canvas. The housekeeper with the name Lupe sewn into her uniform answered the door. She asked several times while waving at my overalls if I were there to work on the landscaping. I lifted up the sleeve of my t-shirt, and pointed to one of my tattoos.
LUPE
(Spanish accent)
Gardener?
JACK
No, I’m the artist. Get it? Art.
LUPE
Okay, Art. Follow me.
JACK
(To audience) The house was a maze of polished concrete floors and glossy white walls with a few smatterings of Oriental rugs and neon-colored furniture on steroids. I saw no art on the walls, just an antique-looking crossbow above the fireplace. Lupe looked over her shoulder a couple of times to see if I were still following her or getting ready to steal something.
JACK (cont’d)
She pushed open two glass doors that led into a dining room. The table was so big that a small country could sit down to dinner.
LUPE
(To Jack) Go ahead, sit.
JACK
(To audience) So I pulled out a chair.
LUPE
Not there, that’s Señora’s.
JACK
(mocking)
(To Lupe) Not there, that’s Señora’s. (To audience) I sat in it anyway.
JACK (cont’d)
Magbeth finally made her entrance wearing a something with a lot of unnecessary fabric. She masterfully swept her muumuu-like dress over a chair and then softly floated down into her seat as if she were parting a sea. My heart lurched a bit and I swallowed some air. I could taste her perfume in my mouth.
MAGDA
(To Jack) So, you have finally come.
JACK
(To Magda) Yeah, well, I came to see this canvas, but I didn’t see any when your housekeeper gave me the unauthorized tour of your palace. (To audience) Magbeth squinted at me, not sure of what I was saying to her. She picked up her pack of smokes and pulled one out while still looking at me. I picked up the lighter, and lit her cigarette.
MAGDA
We will have lunch first and then wait for Irv to show it to you. He is like a little boy with excitement for you to paint.
JACK
(To audience) She blew smoke from the side of her mouth as if to hide it from me. I would learn much later that we both took solace in the long silences between us. And this was our first. I looked around the room, trying to show her through my expression that I approved of her home. Then I just sat and watched her smoke. She made smoke rings and we chuckled at this.
JACK (cont’d)
Lupe entered the room, pushing a cart full of food. Little wisps of steam swirled off the top and melted into her uniform. Magbeth spoke quietly in Spanish, pointing and giving orders to Lupe regarding where she wanted everything to go and how much should be served.
(MAGDA and LUPE do an elaborate dance of pointing, moving and placing lunch on the table. MAGDA stubs out her cigarette and picks up her utensils ready to eat.)
MAGDA
Enjoy!
JACK
She didn’t come up from her plate for at least five minutes and ate with the stark concentration of a fighter pilot. I glanced down in front of me and resting on a large mound of mashed potatoes was something that looked like part of a dead duck. Using my fork, I lifted it up and sniffed. It just missed going up my nose when Lupe snuck up behind me and slopped an uninvited scoop of sour cream onto my plate. Magbeth lifted her greasy chin toward Lupe and with a mouth full of food she said⎯
MAGDA
Beets.
JACK
She stretched her throat to get the food swallowed and then asked Lupe⎯
MAGDA
“Dónde están los beets, Lupe?”
JACK
Lupe brusquely left the room and Magbeth went back to eating. Although her fork and knife moved quite gracefully, once the food got near her mouth, she gnawed at it like it was a rubbery gut. As I watched her, I noticed something inside of her that glowed and it pulled at me. If I had wings, they would have opened up against my will and brought me too close to it. I held on to my chair, trying to secure myself.
JACK (cont’d)
Magbeth was the kind of being that took in everything from life and I wanted to capture that in a painting. Long, thick black hair cascaded around her shoulders. Her skin was olive and the shape of her brown eyes reminded me of those of an island girl. Her beauty was ceaseless and penetrating like a storm, but what defined her the most were her large knockers. Ultimately, they ran the show. I watched them shake like dew on a leaf in the wind as she sawed through her lunch.
JACK (cont’d)
A sudden rain of falling beets onto my plate, courtesy of Lupe, broke my daydream. I pushed my food around on the plate until Magbeth was finished.
JACK (cont’d)
She sat up straight in her chair and without thinking she reached for the ceiling to help her to digest. She laughed when she realized what she was doing and then let her arms girlishly cascade to the table to grab a cigarette. I lit it for her. We smiled again.
JACK (cont’d)
Neither of us heard Lupe, until she was standing at the table holding dessert. I had to look twice at the rainbow sherbet that was served. I used to eat it as a kid in the 70s, one color at a time. My old man would yell across the table that it was all gonna get mixed up in your stomach anyway, no need to waste time and be a sissy about eating one stripe at a time. Magbeth ate hers all at once while still smoking her cigarette. I happily started with the lime-green.
MAGDA
(To JACK) So, have you heard of Gdansk, Mr. Jack?
JACK
(To audience) I noted in my head: Gdansk is a city in the north of Poland close to where the Vistula River meets then Baltic Sea. It has existed since the tenth century, and many times has played a very important role in Poland’s history. (To MAGDA) Nope. Can’t say that I have. (To audience) She glanced out the window then back at me giving a look that said stupid American.
MAGDA
Well, maybe someday I will show it to you on a map. It is beautiful place.
JACK
(To audience) She raised one eyebrow and looked at my tattoos as if they might be pictures of places I’ve been.
MAGDA
You might even go there some day. You never know where you are going to end up, huh, Mr. Jack?
JACK
(To audience) She forced a tiny smile at me. (To MAGDA) No, you sure don’t know
JACK (cont’d)
where you’re going to end up in life, Magbeth. (To audience) Something that felt like hot lava, brewed around my ankles, then shot up my legs and spine and lodged into the back of my fat neck.
LUPE (O.S.)
Señor Irv has come home!
JACK
(To audience) That voice. It’s like nails on a chalkboard.
LUPE
Señor Irv is aqui!
IRV
Glad to see you, glad to see you—
MAGDA
My husband is very—
IRV
Excited!
JACK
(To audience) Irv picked at the leftover duck, popping the pieces into his mouth like grapes. He struck me to be around ten years older than me, making him about 54 years old. He was stocky and muscular with girlish wide hips. His kinky salt-and-pepper hair looked like a bunch of repressed electrical wires struggling for freedom. Irv paused after every sentence giving me the feeling that it was my turn to speak, but as soon as I tried, he went on talking and didn’t stop for a while. Magbeth’s gaze settled on me and Irv didn’t even notice. The strangest thing about Irv is that you never saw his teeth. Not when he talked, not when ate, not even when he laughed. Sometimes I’d catch myself leaning to one side and looking up into his mouth to see if I could catch a glimpse of them.
IRV
Follow me.
JACK
(To audience) I could hardly keep up. He led me down a long hallway and then up some stairs to the second floor. Stopping at the landing, he proudly put his hands on his hips, and slightly pushed his chest outwards. In front of him was a giant wall of plexiglas. It stretched from the floor all the way up to the ceiling and overlooked the living room. It obviously was put there to replace the wall in some kind of artsy-interior-designer kind of way.
IRV
Jack, I betcha never seen a canvas like this before.
JACK
(To audience) I started the following Monday morning because I needed the time to buy a huge amount of paint. I made sure I slapped on lots of deodorant, shaved my face and put on clean overalls. This was going to be my new grooming routine for the next three months because the job was that big. But to be honest, I secretly felt like Tintoretto’s no-good bastard brother. Irv and Magbeth weren’t really interested in what I painted, they just wanted it to cover the whole wall of plexiglas and color-coordinate with the couch below in the living room. Although, Magbeth did add that she wanted it to at least be pretty.
MAGDA (O.S.)
At least make it pretty…for me.
JACK
(To audience) My God, I’d paint rainbows and unicorns if she wanted me to…but I didn’t. I chose something from deep within my soul that I cared about…outer space. Fuck, yeah.
JACK (cont’d)
Standing on my ladder, day after day, painting the constellations and planets, I watched from above as Magbeth’s personal staff came and went into the house: the hairstylist, the masseur, the manicurist, the psychic…I’m guessing at that one by the beads and feathers attire, the trainer, the nutritionist, the acupuncturist, the facialist, and the rolfer. After about two weeks, Magbeth finally materialized from her cocoon of a bedroom to look at my artwork.
JACK (cont’d)
At least I that’s what I thought she was doing, until I noticed she was examining me and it was kinda like from the neck down. It made me feel kind of clammy, but good.
(A table and chair are brought on stage. IRV enters and sits down. MAGDA and JACK sit down at the table. LUPE serves dinner and exits.)
JACK (cont’d)
The three of us ate dinner together every night and the meal was more complicated than lunch. Afterwards, I’d take a small break and smoke one of Irv’s cigars. Irv went off to work in his office while Magbeth retired to her bath. I welcomed the normalcy of my new life. Nobody ever told me that I was too loud and nobody was going anywhere.
JACK (cont’d)
One day I picked up the house phone to order more paint supplies and I overheard Irv and Magbeth having a conversation. Oh, by the way, they had separate bedrooms, and separate phone numbers, and called one another in the next room to talk. I braced myself because I heard my name.
IRV
No, Jack needs a suit.
MAGDA
No, he needs jeans, not those overhalls.
JACK
(whispering into a phone)
Overalls. It’s pronounced overalls.
IRV & MAGDA
Jack?
JACK
Magbeth won, making me skip my golf lesson with Irv and go jeans shopping with her. Magbeth’s driver took us downtown the next day. We got there as soon as the stores opened. She was giddy as a schoolgirl.
JACK (cont’d)
You see Magbeth was convinced that some guy named Calvin made jeans that would fit me. She diligently went through all the stacks of jeans along with the salesgirl. But what she didn’t know is that nobody could persuade me to wear a pair jeans. Nobody. (Pause) And that underneath my overalls wasn’t a body type or man with a waist size, but a 300-pound slab of flesh with two flat boards posing as ass cheeks. (Pause) But I couldn’t disappoint her. Not Magbeth, so I obediently undressed down to my shorts with my overalls on the floor beside me in a depressed lump and I waited for Magbeth to hand off my clothing death wish to me.
JACK (cont’d)
I tried on pair after pair after pair. And each one of them…well, I couldn’t get the damn things over my thighs. Magbeth patted my hand and lead me out of the store, telling me that me she had an idea.
JACK (cont’d)
We ended up in the ladies department at Saks Fifth Avenue. I sat on a velvety chair and watched a happy salesgirl carry gowns to Magbeth who was waiting in the dressing room. The air was soft and the light from the chandelier soothed me. My breath became full and restorative as I relaxed even more deeply into my seat and felt a real sense of relief from the world. For an instant, I thought that this is what it must feel like to be born a girl.
JACK (cont’d)
A flash of red interrupted my reverie as Magbeth swung the skirt of her gown in front of me like a crazy matador with a cape. I sat up and felt my chest open as if to catch all of her that I could with my heart.
MAGDA
Too much? Too much red for us, Jack?
JACK
(To audience) I dramatically shook my head no, wishing to not disappoint her. (To Magda) No, no!
JACK (cont’d)
(To audience) Then she vanished. I rubbed my eyes and leaned forward in anticipation of seeing more of the show. Then a swirl of colors and sparkles and perfume and giggles entertained my senses for the next hour. Magbeth was magnificent. I knew that I could be considered the happiest man in the world at that moment if someone would have just handed me a beer.
JACK (cont’d)
After our shopping day, came out of her bedroom every day to see me. She would tilt her head to the side and quietly study my work and then her flashing eyes would smile at me. But by the time I smiled back, Lupe or the staff usually interrupted us. I decided to start to paint more slowly after that.
IRV
Jack, your swing is all about being relaxed. Relax, Jack. Relax.
JACK
Irv did get to eventually give me golf lessons. In the beginning, his enthusiasm was overwhelming. I didn’t understand how anybody could love a sport so much where they didn’t throw the ball back to you. Of course, I just wanted to be spending the time painting and anticipating Magbeth’s visits. I had so much to say to her. Every inch of her being was etched into my brain and I loved all of it, but I knew she didn’t love me. She loved those shoes with the red bottoms and hedge funds. Probably the only thing I could do to satisfy her was to screw her like I came from a testosterone-soaked planet where all the men had the ability to read a woman’s mind.
JACK (cont’d)
I became self-conscious and felt guilty for thinking of Irv’s wife this way every time I swung at the ball. Eventually, I literally began to lose my grip and the club would fly out of my hands. Afraid he would get barred from the golf course for bringing such a loose cannon to the driving range, Irv graciously gave up teaching me how to golf by telling me to stick to painting.
IRV
Ah, Jack, you’re a painter, not a golfer.
JACK
Soon after, a silence took over the house. Nobody was coming or going. Even Lupe was scarce. I waited days for Magbeth to visit me. I became distraught and my work became just the mindless distraction of my brush moving back and forth in the same place. By the fifth day, I still hadn’t seen her and I had suffered enough. I got off my ladder top and I was on a mission to investigate. I walked down the long hallway to her bedroom.
JACK (cont’d)
I opened her door and peeked into the room. A white blaze came at me. I’m sure my eyes were blinking like some kind of cartoon character. White was everywhere. On the floor, the drapes, pillows, furniture. Everything melted together into one white gooey cloud. Life had been rung out of the room, and my instincts wanted to take over and paint it. (Softly) Magda? (A bit louder) Magda? Are you in here?
JACK (cont’d)
I tiptoed through her room and caught sight of her inside of the closet. She was curled up inside a nest she had made out of fur coats.
JACK (cont’d)
Her eyes were rimmed in red from crying. I unwound her and gently wrapped her up in my arms. My time had come and I knew that I had to be fearless. I traced the outline of her face with my fingertips and then cupped her chin in my hand. I leaned in and kissed her cheek, then her lips. She tasted like champagne and fried eggs.
MAGDA
There is no baby. There is no baby!
JACK
(To audience) I love you, I said breezily to her. (To Magda) I love you.
MAGDA
What do you know about love? You cannot even fit into a pair of jeans.
JACK
Magbeth, it’s not about the clothes, it’s about the man.
JACK (cont’d)
All breathless, she pulled away from my embrace and ran. Of course, I chased after her.
JACK (cont’d)
We ended up in front of my painting. She pulled me down to her and kissed me and then she pushed me back up and popped open the buckles of my overalls, making them drop to the floor. She disrobed and the situation turned into a blur of flashing lights, sweat, and writhing bodies. At one point we were leveraged against my painting with my body pushed against hers and my good ear smashed against the plexiglas. Of course I couldn’t hear anything, but I could feel her heart beating against mine, and I swear, they pounded in unison. Happy warm tears rolled down my contorted face. And then…someone called Irv enters the picture. You remember him? Magbeth’s husband.
JACK (cont’d)
I see him below through the plexiglas. He’s trucking through the living room carrying ye ol’ crossbow and looking like he wants to use it because it was loaded. Oh, yeah. And then I saw that he was wearing something that I’ve never seen him wear before…a smile. His lips were stretched tightly across two rows of white choppers. I thought: See… we all can be happy together. Then I snapped out of it and realized that I don’t do it with other guys’ wives. I’m firm on this rule, but Irv also wasn’t around a minute ago and now things were going to hit the fan.
JACK (cont’d)
Irv raised his crossbow to shoot, but I figured out that he wasn’t aiming at us. He was aiming at the planet Eris in the upper-right corner of my painting. You see, Irv and I had an argument on the golf course about if it were a real planet or not…because of its size. Of course, I was prepared to defend it to the death.
JACK (cont’d)
(strongly)
To say that Eris isn’t a real planet does a serious disservice to the rest of the solar system.
And, I don’t like to use the word dwarf to describe anything, let alone a planet. Let’s just call it pocket-sized. And the reason it hasn’t been noticed before is because it just has a steep orbital inclination…that’s all.
JACK (cont’d)
When the arrow made contact and cracked the plexiglas, it was like a sonic boom happened, one that I could feel vibrate down to my bones. Then another thunderous rumble as it shattered into pieces. The sound pressed so heavily into my bad ear that it brought on an auditory miracle. I could hear again!
JACK (cont’d)
The next second I found myself helplessly falling through the air with Magbeth below me and a giant piece of plexiglas below her.
JACK (cont’d)
As I descended my senses doubled their strength and for one moment I wanted to believe in God, but there didn’t seem like enough time left to pray. The sound echoed through the house 10,000 times over and I can still hear it to this day… that is if I quiet my mind. I’d like to mention that there was a time before in my life that I almost died. And let me tell you there’s no light and nobody is there at the end of a tunnel calling your name. You’re just by yourself in the darkness. Maybe that’s why I willed myself to come back to life…dying is just too lonely.
JACK (cont’d)
Luckily, Magbeth and I landed on one of the overstuffed couches. I knew that she was okay because she kicked me in the shins and called me a big oaf.
MAGDA
Oaf!
JACK
Sometimes while I am asleep I suddenly wake up because I have the sensation of falling, but I don’t mind. (Pause) I never saw or heard from Irv or Magbeth again. (Pause) I kinda miss them. (Pause) Late one night, I was surfing the Internet and could not believe what I saw. I found the broken pieces of plexiglas selling as artwork for 50 bucks each! It even had my signature at the bottom. I suspected Lupe as the culprit in the scheme. And ah, oh well, it wasn’t my best work because the paint was kind of smeared from well, having sex on it. I went ahead and I bought one of the pieces and sent it to my ex-wife with the enclosed a note.
JACK (cont’d)
Dear Miranda…you should have heard the noise this made when it broke. Forever yours in your ears, Jack.
(END OF PLAY)
Recent Comments