Literary as hell.

Tag: humor (Page 4 of 4)

“Deborah Interviews Debra” by Kayla Pongrac

Deborah Interviews Debra—

Artist Admiration Series: Vol. 2, Issue 7

 (C) Kayla Pongrac

Deborah: Allow me to begin this interview by asking what inspired your new body of work.

Debra: The ladder outside my bedroom window has been growing exponentially. I hear it at night, crawling past my second-story window, scratching its chest against the brick walls of my apartment complex. So it was this ladder, mostly.

Deborah: I see. And how would you describe this ladder?

Debra: Oh, I think it’s just like everything else. I spend a lot of time contemplating how lovely it would be to cup it in my hands and then toss it down my throat like a piece of popcorn, you know, just so I can spend an entire afternoon painting it different colors.

Deborah: What color would you paint it?

Debra: Coloring Book Background, probably.

Deborah: White then, right?

Debra: No, more of a tan—a sad tan. And I’d mix that with the color of my dad’s initials tapping me on the shoulder.

Deborah: Is your dad still alive?

Debra: He tends to be.

Deborah: And what about your mom?

Debra: My mother reminds me of a kite that I once flew by my bedside.

Deborah: You once flew a kite by your bedside?

Debra: It was storming. All my windows were open. The strangest part about that night was the thunder—I could feel the thunder in my gums. It made my teeth vibrate and shift counter-clockwise.

Deborah: I think I want to go back to discussing this ladder. Did you mention that you own it?

Debra: I own everything I see, so I would be silly not to consider that ladder mine.

Deborah: What do you mean by “I own everything I see”?

Debra: Everything that gets put in my cup gets dissolved, and that is all. I really don’t like these questions. I thought you wanted to talk about my art?

Deborah: One critic recently compared your art to “cracking an egg on a trampoline made of seahorse intestines.”

Debra: How flattering. I don’t often read reviews because they make me seasick—all the black words floating atop the white pages, you know—but it sounds like this review could be worth two pills.

Deborah: Do you think that critics are generally helpful or hurtful? Oscar Wilde once said, “A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.”

Debra: “The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic.” That’s something else that Oscar Wilde often says.

Deborah: Hmmm . . .

Debra: And here’s another: “There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” I enjoy being talked about. I find it quite comforting.

Deborah: Do you consider yourself well-read?

Debra: No. I just know Oscar Wilde personally.

Deborah: I don’t see how that could possibly be true.

Debra: He comes over for tea on weekends.

Deborah: Comes over where?

Debra: To my apartment.

Deborah: And you two drink tea together?

Debra: Not together, but that is correct.

Deborah: Is he familiar with your ladder or your new body of work?

Debra: He knows nothing of the ladder, or the latter.

Deborah: Can you confirm his existence?

Debra: I thought you wanted to talk to me about my art? I don’t feel like we’re talking about my art.

Deborah: But we’ve learned a lot about you.

Debra: Who is “we”?

Deborah: Everyone reading this.

Debra: You mean all the nervous jellyfish?

Deborah: Perhaps we can try to re-schedule this interview at a more convenient time for you. I’m not quite convinced that I have your full attention today.

Debra: No. Just tell everybody that I like saltwater, too. That should be enough. Yes, that should plenty. Tell them that I like saltwater and that I will meet them all on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean at this time next year. I’ll have my ladder with me. We’re going to tour the country.

Deborah: Thank you. Good luck to you . . . and your ladder.

Debra: Please, allow the jellyfish to panic for a little longer. They have no hearts, bones, eyes, or brains. Someone needs to remind them of the benefits of keeping it that way.

 

Kayla Pongrac is an avid writer, reader, tea drinker, and vinyl record spinner. Her work has been published or is forthcoming in theNewerYorkSplit Lip MagazineOblongThe BohemythDUM DUM Zine, and Mixtape Methodology, among others. When she’s not writing creatively, she’s writing professionally—for two newspapers and a few magazines in her hometown of Johnstown, PA. To read more of Kayla’s work, visit www.kaylapongrac.com or follow her on Twitter @KP_the_Promisee.

Four Sexy Halloween Costumes We’d Like to See This Year

With Halloween just around the corner, we hope that everyone is preparing their costumes for a spooky, scary, Halloween. Some people don’t want to be scary, ghoulish, ghastly, monsters. Some people want to be sexy. But buying a sexy Halloween costume is so generic, and store-bought sexy costumes are so terrible. (A sexy male bird, a sexy male doll, and a sexy… Chinese woman? OK, wait, we’re pretty sure that last one is just really racist.)

Want ideas for a last-minute DIY sexy Halloween costume? Friends, we have you covered!!

1. Sexy Third Degree Burn Victim

Some sexy costumes are puzzling. The Sexy Firefighter is one of them. Every time I see one of these costumes, I think, come back here, lady, you should seriously not go into that burning house, I don’t think you’re going to be adequately protected against that fire.

With the help of prosthetics, you can make a sequel to the sexy firefighter costume called “Firefighter Who Was Bad At Job,” or “Sexy Third Degree Burn Victim.”

Sexy Burn Victim

2. Sexy Corporation

This year, the US Supreme Court granted corporations even more rights as people! Let’s honor that decision by dressing as a corporation this year. Be this sexy beast for Halloween:

Hobby Lobby

3. Sexy Grandma

To make this costume, drench yourself in the smell of delicious homemade chocolate chip cookies. Wear an apron, a smile, and nothing else.

4. Sexy Quarantined Nurse

With this costume, you don’t even have to show up. Make your absence just as scary as your presence by phoning it in. “Hi guys, I just got back from West Africa, and I’m feeling a bit under the weather. It might have been something in all the bushmeat and human blood I’ve been eating.”

Phone

The Ways in Which Times Square Makes me Furious

By e. kirshe

A disclaimer: Before you read the title and offer genuine advice about avoiding such an infuriating place I will tell you that, sadly, I work there and must navigate those putrid streets daily.

It has been slowly eating my soul.

To some Times Square is the beating heart of the city. It is alive with light and energy and conveniently towards the middle (like a heart!). The people who think this are tourists and they make me furious.

To tourists: I understand, I really do, that you’ve traveled, sometimes far, to be here and it’s all very new and exciting. What I don’t understand is why that makes you so damn rude.

That’s right, it’s not us, it’s you.

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End-Of-Course Evaluation by Kenneth Nichols

END-OF-COURSE EVALUATION

LEDFORD COLLEGE

ENGLISH 175

Instructor: Chase Andrews

Semester: Fall ’15 

Meeting Time: T/R 9.30 – 11.15 and many appointments

This questionnaire is a confidential way for you to evaluate your English 175 course and its instructor. Your comments will be reviewed by department administrators and the class instructor after student grades are turned in. Please provide a thoughtful response, as these comments assist in making decisions regarding tenure, pay raises and other important personnel matters.

  1. Please explain how this course helped (or did not help) you become a better writer.
    Mr. Andrews definitely expanded my horizons. For the first time, I really GOT The Great Gatsby. I’m a better writer because I’m more aware of the world around me, and not just because Mr. Andrews took my virginity on October 9th.
  2. Please comment on which of the major writing assignments provided the most valuable learning experience for you.

    I learned the most from filling out the medical questionnaire at Planned Parenthood. Until then, I never thought I could be a statistic. Writing the check taught me a lot, too; I forgot that my parents still get a copy of my bank statement.

  3. To what extent and in what ways were the texts and other materials used in the course appropriate, helpful, interesting and challenging?
    I hardly think his coded e-mails were appropriate. (He was SnarkleBear1996 because it sounds like a teenager’s e-mail address; something that couldn’t easily be connected to a 35-year-old professor. He addressed me as “Anne” and “Miss Shirley” because I’ve always loved the L.M. Montgomery novels.)

    Helpful – the cash he gave me for the procedure.

    Interesting – were the sob stories about his abusive ex-wife told by an unreliable narrator?

    Challenging – making love to the classic rock he blared so his neighbors wouldn’t hear us.

  4. Please describe how the course helped you to develop your critical thinking and analytical skills.

    The course has allowed me to pluck small, seemingly unconnected details from a work and to connect them in a logical manner. After the first few weeks of class, Mr. Andrews stopped calling on me. Analytically, it’s apparent that he didn’t want to drop any hints to the other students. He’d be terrible at poker; he has a terrible tell. When lying, he avoids eye contact and twiddles his right thumb and forefinger. I’ll bet he’s doing it right now as you read this to him in some meeting.

  5. Please comment on the extent to which the workload for the course was reasonable and appropriate.

    Mr. Andrews is insatiable and I suppose I would have appreciated it more if I had had more experience. “I’m still sore there” does not mean “Bug me until I grudgingly let you pound away.”

  6. How effective was the instructor?

     Honestly, now. I don’t want to give Mr. Andrews too much credit for effectiveness. After all, I was a healthy 19-year-old woman in her reproductive prime. It’s not that hard to slip the puck into that goal. But he does get creativity points for convincing me he was allergic to latex.

  7. How satisfied are you with the work you did for this course in terms of your commitment to the course, your contribution to the class, your own judgment of your written work, etc.?

     I guess I got what I wanted when I signed up for the class. I learned a lot about life. I learned that a woman must put up with a lot from a man. (A bedroom filled with creepy velvet paintings, shoulder hair (that’s a thing!?!?!) and what may have been an unfinished circumcision.) You can’t say I wasn’t dedicated.

  8. Please offer any comments or suggestions for improving this course.

     Mr. Andrews should advise future coeds that, while the odds are remote, the procedure carries the risk of cervical damage. (My first pregnancy was my last.)

    I should wrap this up. The suckup who volunteered to bring these to the English Department is getting impatient because I’ve been writing for so long. As a comment, I’d like to thank the college for these anonymous evaluations that go straight to the administrators.   I’m not coming out in public with any of this until I can be sure I have the school’s support. If you want to do something about it, you’ll figure out who I am.

Kenneth Nichols teaches writing at two colleges in Central New York. He received an MFA in Creative Writing from Ohio State.  (Go Bucks!)  His work has appeared or is forthcoming in publications including Main Street RagLunch TicketPrime NumberSkeptical Inquirer, the Tin House blog and PopMatters. Further, he reviews literary journals for NewPages and 1.5 sentences of his work for the Not For Tourists Guide to Queens was quoted in The New Yorker. You can visit him online at greatwriterssteal.com.

Things That Make Us Furious: “A Guide to Surviving NYC Publishing”

by Tess Tabak

A lot of people say that you can’t make a good living as an English major. The facts are very cold and hard: Most publishing houses are in New York City. Entry level publishing jobs pay very, very little, and New York City is very, very expensive.

When I graduated from college, I resolved to go into publishing, no matter how poorly paid it was. I would show the world that I really could make it work as an English major.

I can do this, I thought, in the naïveté of my youth. I can realize my dream of living in Brooklyn and being boho-poor like in Girls but still not actually so poor that I have to live on the street like a pigeon.

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Ancient World Final Exam by Philip J. Kaplan

 

Philip J. Kaplan is the author of Hollywood Musicals: Best, Worst and Unusual.  His play Dante’s Inferno: The Motion Picture was published in Best Ten Minute Plays: 2011.  Other plays include Welcome to Sam PestoViolent Overthrow of the Government (and Other Family Matters) and The Cupcake Conspiracy (w/ C.J. Ehrlich).  He once spent a month in a very nice hospital in Seattle.  Philip is a member of the Dramatist Guild.

A Halloween Poem by Jacob Shelton

Madeline and Calvin sat quietly on their sofa watching The Omen,
supposedly a horror classic but
Calvin didn’t think very much of it. The pacing was all over the place and he
found the concept of the antichrist to be dull.
“Why can’t you just have a good time on our night off? I told you I would
watch whatever you wanted, we could have watched Honey I Shrunk the
Kids for all I care, I just wanted to spend the evening with you and now
you’ve ruined it.”
Madeline went to bed. Calvin did the dishes and finished watching The
Omen, it wasn’t as slow as he originally thought, and that kid was kind of
creepy. He went in to the bedroom to apologize to Madeline but she was
pretending to be asleep so he pretended to sleep next to her.
I suppose it’s worth mentioning that Madeline and Calvin are werewolves.

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