1. February 3rd. The first time I was introduced to the sniveling, drooling, troglodyte that is my sister’s boyfriend Rob. Really, Ashley? You couldn’t do better than a middle-aged branch manager who loves ranch dressing and thinks that Justin Timberlake is an underrated artist? I went into the bathroom to reapply my neck blush, and that’s when I saw it. Rob had used the bathroom, and when he was done he hadn’t put the toilet seat down! 

2. July 15th. In the spirit of good will, I tried to forget about the incident on February 3rd. I gave Rob the benefit of the doubt and assumed that his behavior had been an unfortunate blip. Boy was I wrong. On July 15th, after my entire family came back from the Michael Jackson Memorial 5K, I was horrified to discover that Rob left the toilet seat up again. It is truly unfortunate to see my sister paired up with such a primitive companion. 

3. Thanksgiving Dinner. My eyes still tear up when I think about this fateful day. Granny was over for a nice turkey dinner, and she had the perilous misfortune of using the bathroom after Rob. Poor Granny didn’t see the open bowl, (she has cataracts, we all know this), and she fell headfirst into the whirling vortex of the toilet! RIP Granny, you will be missed. 

4. December 1st. The day Ashley and I got pedicures downtown. Ashley, I never told you about this, but before we left the house to go to the Nail Salon, I walked into the bathroom and saw that Rob had left the toilet seat up again. I didn’t mention it at the time because I knew you were having a tough week with your Crohn’s disease. That trip to the Nail Salon was a really special moment of sister bonding, which has been harder lately since you started dating Revolting Rob. Remember how the nail technician asked if you were my mother? Haha, what a laugh! Our outing is one of my treasured memories, even though you chose to paint your nails that tacky pink. 

5. Christmas Eve. That’s right, Repulsive Rob ruined the most joyful holiday of the year. I was so angry about Rob leaving the toilet seat up that I ate my Christmas ham too fast and didn’t even enjoy it. Then, in an attempt to forget about the havoc that Rob was wreaking on our family, I drank too much spiked eggnog, and accidentally tripped over the Nutcracker Village in the living room. 

6. January 2nd. Apparently, the limitless potential for growth and reinvention that comes with the New Year was not enough to inspire Rob to change his ways. 

7. The Superbowl Party at Kenneth’s house. I had a little too much craft beer and was going into the bathroom to “up chuck” when I saw the upturned toilet seat! I know it was Rob, I know it! He used the bathroom right after he went into the kitchen for some more seven-layer dip.

8. Five minutes ago, galvanizing me to compile this list. Ashley, for the love of God, can’t you just date an alcoholic or something? 

 

Linnea Cooley is an undergraduate humor writer at the University of Maryland. Her humor essays appear in Pif Magazine, Boston Accent Lit, and Robot Butt among others. More of her work can be seen on her website, linneacooley.weebly.com. or by following her on Twitter @linnea_cooley